77+ Americans Jokes To Laugh Out Loud (2022)

Table of Contents
Why Americans don't use metric? Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you... Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes? Two Native Americans I always thought Americans should say "B". The U.N. initiates a poll... What's the difference between Americans and yogurt? They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me.... Why are americans bad at DotA ? Americans won't get this A nice Scottish lad moves to New York. Why can't americans play pool billard? Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? What do Americans and Putin have in common? War is God's way of teaching My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true... 9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... Why are European cars the lightest? People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid Why are Americans so good at shooting? how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? Why are Americans so bad at chess? What is the purpose of war? 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Why don't native Americans like snow? Iran bans Americans from traveling there. The trump family is flying from New York to DC A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar... 4th of July, Why are Americans bad at MOBA's? Americans do use the metric system... How do you get Americans to join a world war? 80% of Americans want net neutrality I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Why do native Americans hate April? Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint- Why are Americans so dumb? Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember... Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ? What's the difference between North Korea and the US? Americans have a terrible sense of humour The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July. How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car? I have a joke about universal healthcare Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? Trump and his family are traveling in a plane. 2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections.... Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results. Dear Americans Americans are so lucky Americans: "This is not who we are." What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry? How to make Americans take vaccines In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator". Why do Native Americans hate snow? 4 million of these people... According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans Cant make jokes about vacation to americans A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him Why are Americans so stupid? Why don't Americans eat snails? Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans Americans are getting stronger When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States. Why did God create war? What's a military? Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7. Videos

Why Americans don't use metric?

Foot fetish

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.

^(i feel bad)

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?

Americans don't get them.

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"

77+ Americans Jokes To Laugh Out Loud (1)

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

They say 75% of all Americans live next to a pedophile. Not me....

I live next door to a hot 10 year old girl.

You can explore americans patriotic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean americans voted dad jokes. There are also americans puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why are americans bad at DotA ?

Because they cant defend their towers.

Americans won't get this

Free healthcare

A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by?

I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

Why can't americans play pool billard?

They always shoot the black ones first.

(Video) Top 10 Pranks of 2019 | Best of Just For Laughs Gags

^^^^sorry...

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.

77+ Americans Jokes To Laugh Out Loud (2)

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...

Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

77+ Americans Jokes To Laugh Out Loud (3)

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

Because they don't have 2 towers.

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Why don't native Americans like snow?

Because it's white and all over their land.

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.

(Video) When people from the USA visit GERMANY

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Why are Americans bad at MOBA's?

They can't defend towers.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

How do you get Americans to join a world war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

80% of Americans want net neutrality

The other 20% are dead

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can't defend the towers

What's the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can't tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can't tell if their leader is dead serious.

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

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As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Trump and his family are traveling in a plane.

Trump decides to drop a 100 dollar note from the plane. His wife asks what he is doing. His reply is I want to make an American happy

His wife replies back Why don't you drop ten 10 dollar notes and make ten Americans happy?

Their daughter gives a suggestion Why don't you drop hundred 1 dollar notes and make hundred Americans happy?

The pilot overhears their conversation and gives his own suggestion on the matter.

Why don't you three drop yourselves from the plane and make all Americans happy?

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I'm not sure the Americans will get it.

Americans are so stupid, it takes them a week to get the results.

We in Russia get results 20 years before the elections.

Dear Americans

Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.

Greetings from Europe!

Americans are so lucky

Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.

Americans: "This is not who we are."

ⓘ This claim is disputed

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

(Video) how is prangent formed

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that's just a Conservative estimate

Cant make jokes about vacation to americans

Cause they dont get it

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

Why don't Americans eat snails?

Because they like fast-food.

(This one actually came from my dad if that gets extra points.)

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

Americans are getting stronger

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren't as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

Why did God create war?

To teach Americans Geography

What's a military?

The only Mili Americans will use before metric.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

" I lost 75 OVERNIGHT because of this ONE SIMPLE TRICK! ."

If you have promised your partner that you will love them 24/7.

Today is 24/7.

(Americans, It's OK if you don't get it.)

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